images: @eromaticax

Hey, we’ve all been there! Passionate embraces turning into mortifying cases! HUSH magazine has conducted extensive research into university students’ most embarrassing sex stories, and narrowed them down into the top FIVE most traumatic encounters of all time… 

 

NUMBER ONE: DILDO DISASTER

“I’d just split up with my boyfriend and was upset, horny and unsatisfied. I’d never used sex toys before, and I thought I’d see what all the fuss was about, so, I scoured through the Ann Summers website (on private browser, of course) for something to fix my sexual frustration. I ordered an average looking dildo, nothing to aggressive looking or big, but it didn’t show up for a while and I started to get a little suspicious. Five days later, I received an odd text from my ex-boyfriend, which made me go red in the face and I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up: ‘Hey, hope you’re well … just wondering, did you order a dildo? Because one turned up on my doorstep this morning and I’m pretty sure it’s not for any of the lads…’ Filled with embarrassment and shock, I had forgotten that the address on the Ann Summers website was set to my ex-boyfriend’s flat. But then I thought well, we’ve broken up so… who cares!? I texted him back saying, ‘Yes, that is my dildo. Please send it to me asap – I am in need of comfort after the breakup – lots of love’. To this day, he never replied to me, or sent me the vibrator. Oddly, I DON’T blame him. He had to look his new and improved replacement in the face. Sorry babe.” – Linsey, 21

NUMBER TWO: SNAIL HUMILIATION

“I was secretly talking to a new boy at college. First time ever meeting him in person was when he came over for a booty call to take my virginity (tragic I know). Long story short, that experience was an absolute flop – we couldn’t get it in and I bled all over him (including his face, how delicious!) and traumatically had to run to the shower with this stranger who now had my blood all over him. After this humiliating experience, we planned a more romantic second attempt for a week after.

So, I got home from work and got a text from him saying, ‘meet me at the corner of your road. I’ve got you a surprise’. I got into his car with his mates in there too, and they drove us to one of their houses and said, ‘well you’d prefer to have sex with us in the house than your parents wouldn’t you’, and I thought to myself, what a good plan, nothing can possibly go wrong.

Later on, we started getting down to business on the sofa in the kitchen and I was on top getting into the swing of it all, cowgirl style, yeeha and all, when I felt something hit my head – I looked down and it was A FUCKING SNAIL! Then another one hit me, so I turn around and his mates were in the garden throwing these snails at us through the window! Traumatised, because they were seeing me full vagina naked riding their friend, I hid behind a pillow. In a panicked, embarrassed rage that they were launching slugs and snails at us we shouted at them to fuck off – I mean, we didn’t exactly want to stop, it was just getting good! So, once they finally pissed off, we carried on getting down to business and, despite a few more interruptions, I finally had good sex after I’d looked forward it for so long. So much for your first time being romantic and comfortable…” – Milly, 20

NUMBER THREE: SUN ROOF SPECTACULAR

“Me and this girl I was seeing were still very nervous around each other, as you are at the start of a relationship. She was also really keen to impress me, so was really trying to get us to do adventurous stuff, stuff I wasn’t usually used to. We were sat in the bedroom, kind of in the mood, with Over the Hedge on Netflix in the background (10/10 recommend to all guys to get their gf in the mood).

I started talking a big game and said I really wanted to indulge in our new favourite activity of public indecency in the back of her Ford Fiesta. So, we drove to our usual spot on the bridge at the end of the village and climbed over into the back and started going through the motions. I was dead excited, ready to put on my best performance, with the testosterone pumping through me at a higher than usual rate. My jeans were off, and she had clambered on to me and started grinding on me and I could hardly contain myself thinking this’ll be the best sex we’ve had so far.

Suddenly, without warning, I made a massive mistake. It shot up into the air with a bit splattering on to the sunroof and the rest landing into the seats. In my strange moment of euphoria and embarrassment I shouted, ‘Christ, I’ve done a boo boo’. She was mortified. Her pristine car seats had been tainted by my yucky jizz… With no tissues or wipes I proceeded to rub it into the seats, with no other viable option available.

I genuinely thought she’d never talk to me again after such a dismal display, especially as, at that point we were only into each other for the sex. Even worse was the fact she had to go to pick her parents up immediately after.

In a strange, roundabout way, her mum and dad have sat in my dry crusty semen. If that is not mortifying, I don’t know what is. Eighteen months down the line and we’re happily settled and we just both laugh at my premature ejaculation now, and that’s the true meaning of love.” – Jon, 21

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NUMBER FOUR: FESTIVAL FORNICATIONS

“On a scorcher of a day in summer, me and my 12 mates set off with all our tents, 14 crates of Stella, camping gear and other kind of gear (if you know, you know) to begin our annual messy weekend away at Bestival Festival. We pitched up in a big circle of tents with a space left in the middle for chilling, eating, drinking and smoking purposes.

After an eventful evening of getting that drunk, we returned in an extremely wobbly fashion to base camp. To our surprise, in our chilling circle space, some lemon had pitched their tent smack bang in the middle, but we were that heavily intoxicated we didn’t care and sat around this alien tent.

Next thing we know, a light switched on in the middle tent and a silhouette had formed of two characters, one leaned over the other in doggy style. We all looked at each other and couldn’t quite believe what we were seeing. It went on for ages and was full of screams like ‘Ooh baby, just like that.’ But when he shouted, ‘You like it deep and dirty don’t you Margaret’, we all burst into laughter and cackles and couldn’t contain ourselves.

The couple suddenly stopped and unzipped their tent to find thirteen teenagers crying with laughter at their expense. Poking their heads out, we were greeted by a man and woman – who were in their 60s – looking extremely embarrassed at their actions. It all worked out well though, because after making friends with Geoffrey and Margaret, and finishing a few smokes and beers together, we reminded them every night to keep their torch firmly off when enjoying a cheeky bang.” – Josh, 25

NUMBER FIVE: WORLD CUP WONDER

“I was dating my neighbour who, I had recently found out, was a virgin like me. We were pretty excited to have sex for the first time together, and didn’t hesitate to plan the event for as soon as possible. We were already in the do bits society (down in the woods behind our houses – classy I know) but we couldn’t wait to go to 4th base. She came over, and with both of us gleaming with excitement, we made our way to the downstairs sofa. I am an extreme football fan and the 2014 Brazil World Cup was on the TV in the living room and I didn’t want to miss it, so I thought, where better to lose my v than on the living room sofa (I’m a good multitasker). I didn’t care if she wasn’t a football fan, I was, and I’m selfish like that.

We started getting down and dirty and she climbed on top of me. I started thinking wow, what is this new sensation, it feels amazing. It was getting better and better as it went along, but just as I was reaching my climax, ready to explode and unload myself properly for the first time ever, the TV went mad. Neymar had scored for Brazil, and the crowd went wild, cheering and clapping, screaming and shouting, just as I had finished. In a way, Neymar helped me lose my virginity. I tried to peer round my neighbour, who continued to bounce up and down on me. After a few seconds, she noticed and gasped “Are you seriously watching the football right now!?!?” to which I had nothing to say.

The moral of this story I guess is, don’t put football over sex, because that was the first and last time we indulged in sexual intercourse and I never saw her again.” Tom, 21

 

If you have experienced any embarassing sexual experiences don’t forget to slide into our DMs and tell us all the juicy goss;)

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